Introduction aka READ ME FIRST :)

Hey ya’ll! I am very excited to share my very first blog post. I’ll be honest, I am truthfully terrified of being so vulnerable on such a public platform, but my goal through all of this is to inspire people to seek mental health treatment if they, or even someone they know and love, is struggling and to bring awareness to the struggle that is daily life for many people. Lastly, I want to end the stigma against mental illness because it is so much more prevalent than I think people understand. 

Because I want to be as vulnerable as possible while still protecting my family’s privacy and my employment future (because let’s be honest, I have lost jobs over my mental health instability), I am choosing to write under a pseudonym and use nicknames for anyone I talk about. While names may not be real, please know that everything else I write is authentic. My emotions, reactions, and related situations all actually happened, minus a few minor detail changes to protect the identities of people I love and myself. It is through this veil that I can be the most vulnerable and share my experiences. 

As an introduction, I thought it was important to share that most people who don’t know me that well as SUPER surprised to learn that I suffer from borderline personality disorder, debilitating depression from time to time, and crippling anxiety daily. Why is it a surprise? Considering I was voted “Most Charismatic” in high school and have a very outgoing, bubbly, seemingly happy outwards personality, very few outsiders would expect me to have contemplated suicide more than once and question if I deserve my life and if my family would be better off without me. Little things are big things to me and can trigger me into borderline episodes, where I can go from raging to severely depressed within minutes, all over something that would be seemingly insignificant to others.

I have suffered from depression and anxiety since I was 12. It has been up and down until shit finally hit the fan in October of 2020, when I agreed to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital because I was not safe at home. I could not be trusted to be alone for fear of acting on impulsive thoughts I had. For over 2 years, I had faked being “okay.” I tried so hard to be okay for my two little kids and my husband and fought through so much emotional and physical pain to work and support my family. While I want to say that finally I gave up and agreed I couldn’t do it anymore, what I really did was show my strength and asked for more extensive assistance. I needed more help than my twice a week therapy sessions could provide and my meds were not working anymore. It was a lot of tears, many weeks in several hospitals and a residential mental health facility, followed by months in a partial hospitalization program for me to finally come out on the other side. This other side is not pain free, but I do have skills to help myself and an incredible team who supports me when I need to take a breather and recoup. 

So, before I dig into the tough stuff, I thought I’d share a little more about me and what makes me “me.”  I am a mid thirties mom of two kids and have been married to my husband for almost seven years, but together ten. When I want something, nothing will stop me from achieving that goal. Whether it be a DIY project or even the outreach through this blog, I often have trouble letting go of that particular thought and just being present in the moment. 

I have three degrees in education and guess what, being a classroom teacher, I have learned, is NOT my passion! However, individualized learning support is and I have found that tutoring fills my cup to the brim. I am so grateful to be back doing what I love after a winter-long hiatus. 

I have a love/hate relationship with running. I have trained for and run four marathons and countless half marathons and 5ks pre-BPD diagnosis, and now I see running less as exercise and more as a release of pent up anxious energy. I hope to run another marathon once the world reopens, post-COVID. 

I grew up in a close knit community in the South and am blessed to still be a part of it today. These families have been there for me from first communion to high school graduation, and now are bringing my family meals so I don’t have to worry about cooking while I heal (let’s just say I am really good at browning ground beef and that’s it). I love that my daughter’s art teacher is my best friend from high school and my son’s godmother, and she just happens to be married to my husband’s best friend and no, we did not set them up. 

I have LOTS of nervous energy most hours of the day. To discharge all that negativity, I have found embroidery, watercolors, and upper level math to be cathartic. I have been instructed by my husband that I am not allowed to decorate the house with any more of my embroidered creations because “we are not ninety,”  so I have taken on making witty ornaments related to mental health (pictured below).

Please know I appreciate a well placed “F” bomb and I may sprinkle them here and there throughout my blog. I also have experience with suicidal ideation as well as a history of self harm impulses that I will discuss. I will always put a trigger warning at the beginning of those posts. 

The more and more I realize that medication is NOT going to solve my borderline issues, I have started to rely more on my faith for strength and peace. I consider myself a progressive Catholic, so I may talk about faith occasionally. I struggled (and sometimes still do) for a long time with my faith and everything I suggest, for the most part, can be done without the faith influence if it has it, you might just have to change the wording! Please know that I am accepting of everyone and appreciate the different lifestyles that we are all called to individually, and if you find something is offensive or rubs you the wrong way, don’t hesitate to reach out and help me reword it! Most likely, I didn’t realize that my words could be taken a way I didn’t mean for them to be. 

I am looking forward towards sharing my story with ya’ll and towards being vulnerable in a way that normalizes BPD, depression, anxiety, and mental illness in general. I have found that it is through my suffering that I have found true appreciation for the peace that sometimes graces my heart and it becomes that much more special.

In grit and grace, 

Ellie