BPD Characteristic #1 & #2: Fear of Abandonment and Unstable/Changing Relationships

 Fun fact:I have not been single for more than three months since I was 16. On senior night in college, when the seniors in my sorority parade around the bars wearing superlative sashes, I proudly displayed one that said, “SERIAL MONOGAMIST.” Something we all joked about turns out to be a response to my fear of abandonment.  I was quickly on to the next boyfriend as soon as I could so I didn’t feel alone. 

I am terrified of being single. I don’t mind alone time, but it has shown true that if my husband and I are in a tiff, I worry he is finally going to throw his hands in the air and say, “I give up, we’re done.” 

Because I am so scared of being unattached romantically, I also have been known to do and say things I don’t mean, essentially to get the reaction of “no, I love you, I’m not going anywhere.” 

Looking back on my first love in high school, I definitely loved Jake far more than he loved me (in a teenager sense). Towards the end of our relationship, my depression got really bad and I started to have more of what I now know are borderline episodes. One was so bad that my dad took me to the behavioral health emergency room. I was not admitted, was told I was having a severe panic attack, and was prescribed a benzo. On the way home, I texted him and said things like, “Are you sick of me? Am I too much? Are you going to leave me? Do you still love me?” Unsurprisingly, we broke up via text shortly thereafter. Saying I was devastated would be an understatement. I nursed a broken heart for years, and honestly didn’t go to my first choice college because he went there, and that may have been the best choice 18 year old me could have made. 

Looking back in my wise, old age, I should have spent some time alone, allowing myself to grieve that loss, but also to find myself outside of Jake or any other boy. However, within probably a month, I had already started dating someone new. I boyfriend-hopped for years. I dated guys that I literally say WHYYYYY when I think of them. My favorite WTF boyfriend was a guy who wore Ed Hardy shirts, weird white, wrap around Oakley sunglasses, rode a motorcycle, and best of all, lied to me about still being in college. He had flunked out/spent all his student loan money on beer and drugs/lacked motivation to do anything with his life. Considering I am a southern girl who loves all things seersucker and loves a good sundress, in addition to having a life plan with big career goals, this was a HORRIBLE match. But I liked the attention. I needed the attention. If you are reading this bud, I am sorry I used you like that. My heart still hurt from Jake and you slightly filled a void, you deserved better. 

I said I love you to boys I didn’t love. I had sex with boys I regret because I wanted them to stay. I even had my best guy friend in college, Dylan, take sexual advantage of me while we got drunk one night after I had a break up with another guy. But the worst part is, a year later, I dated him and tried so hard to love him; I thought mistakes happen and he’s my best friend, it’s meant to be. I knew for a long time in my heart it wasn’t, but I didn’t acknowledge that and tried so badly because I thought that’s what love is. And man, did Dylan treat me horribly. He was condescending and ungrateful and had his priorities mixed up. But I stayed, because I didn’t want to be alone. Most boys I dated broke up with me during emotional and down episodes, they just didn’t know what to do and couldn’t take on that responsibility. I don’t blame them one bit, they were essentially big kids who were still figuring themselves out. But that doesn’t mean I am not traumatized by the fact that they left me during crises. 

Shortly after I broke up with Dylan in November 2010, I kept running into my now husband, Blake, at bars. We grew up in the same small, southern community and I actually knew his little sister from middle and high school. In January 2011, Blake and I started dating. Very quickly, I was head over heels and we were such a great match. I loved his self motivation, his faith, his love of family and friends, and his overall good guy persona. I knew very quickly that he was the one. But I had thought that before about other guys being the one, but there was something different about Blake. We were married in 2014 and for the two years of our marriage, things were pretty great. We got pregnant with our daughter, Charlotte, on our honeymoon, so by our first anniversary, we had a three month old! When Charlotte was one, we unexpectedly got pregnant and subsequently suffered a miscarriage. I haven’t been the same since. While I will save that trigger and journey to healing in a different post, I will say that I was a mess. During my hospitalizations, my relationship with Blake really suffered. I wanted him to support me more than his emotional bandwidth could handle. He was choosing work and the kids over me (in my distorted eyes) and I was bitter and resentful in a VERY angry way. In his eyes, he was holding down the fort by continuing to work to pay for our home and my medical bills and he tried to be around the kids more so that they had some sense of normalcy with me in and out for a few months. He made sure that at every single visiting opportunity I had in the hospital, someone came to see me, even if it wasn’t him. 

We had been arguing so much lately, and I had started to push the buttons, saying mean things about divorce because he doesn’t love me the way I need, trying to get the response of “I love you and I am not going anywhere, I will do anything for you.” I don’t want a divorce, I love Blake with all my heart, but I just wanted to feel wanted, but very much in the style of “I hate you, don’t leave me.” Couples counseling has been incredibly helpful, and one thing that I have to remind myself is that Blake takes his faith VERY seriously, and he made a vow before God, our families, and our friends to love me through sickness and health. He is human and entitled to get emotionally exhausted and irritated, but that doesn’t mean he is going to leave me when things get bad. After seven years of marriage and countless talks about arguments about how he’s not going anywhere, I still struggle to fight those thoughts of, “Blake is going to leave me,” even though he is still loving me after the worst year ever. 

I so wish that I could go back to 17 year old me and convince her to put herself first, and not to date until my heart was healed from Jake. I wish I could go back and tell college me to save myself and that just because you have sex with someone, it doesn’t make them love you or stay with you through hard times. I wish I could take back all the mean things I have said to Blake that I really said because I wanted confirmation he was still there with me, not because I really wanted to divorce. But in reality, I need to stop “should-in” on myself. I can’t do any of those things. What I can do is trust my husband’s words and the vows we made. I can surround myself with people who support me and make me feel good about myself, in good times and in bad. I can acknowledge that I am scared of abandonment, but God forbid I end up single at some point, that I will be okay. I need to love myself before anyone else can love me. I also don’t need romantic love to have my heart be full. It is definitely a bonus, but loving myself for all my amazing characteristics, my faults, and mental illness is what makes me whole. I have come a long way, but I still continue to struggle with that fear. And you know what, it’s okay.